Liberation is felt by those who have been suppressed and chained by aggravation and fear. It is an uprising of emotions being released from a pool of frustration. The state of liberation is surreal, as gleeful as graduation day or becoming debt-free. The feeling of utter elation and comfort in overcoming hardship and reaching a better future is intangible. What are these hardships you might ask? The sense of belittlement, self-doubt, and the backlash of what liberty brings. The slavery of homosexuality is among us, living day to day as a dark cloud causing a flower to remain a seed.
By now, I have successfully graduated college with a Bachelor of Arts degree, labored my way (six years) into a well-respected position in a multi-million dollar company, and settled into daily life with my partner and living on our own. These are all accomplishments that I hope will satisfy my parents; a pair of cultured, non-traditional (in the sense of American culture) individuals. I have always been brought up to respect my elders, provide for my parental units, and watch them retire with monetary bliss. These are all values I have been brought up to acknowledge and carry out as a first generation heir to Taiwanese royalty.
This story begins at the tender age of five when playing with baby dolls and pony figures becomes second nature, fondling with the same toys that my two sisters did before me. An identity issue appears at this age with the feeling that my hobbies seemed normal, while the boys at school fancied toy cars and weapons to tantalize their masculinity. There is an identity crisis from the beginning; the feeling of foreignness in my own gender, or at least the social dictations of being a boy. This crisis carries through most of my life, never allowing me to find comfort with sports and sprucing up automobiles. Like a crack in porcelain, my delicate identity continued to break at the age of twelve. A sexual encounter with a close friend throws my world upside down. The thought of interacting with a same-sex partner intrigued me and caused me to constantly fantasize about it thereafter. The homoerotic encounter forced me to realize it was a feeling I couldn’t deny.
My Liberation Story comes to its climax as I confront my family with all of my pent up emotions and feelings. Two years ago, the idea of emancipation would have never crossed my mind. As my hands shake and my voice cracks, I proceed to sit down with my mother. She recently began inquiring about my sexuality with my sister and she prompted the discussion in an attempt to seize the moment. As my mother weeps with ignorant tears, she believes there is “no hope” for me, as if the entire world crashes down at the phrase “I’m gay.” “Hope” in relation to tradition is forever lost in her eyes. She believes there is no hope for me to live a normal life, one that consists of man and woman and a family. I refute by stating that there are many ways to have a family with modern technology. She counters that the many ways to have a family nowadays “does not count.” Not only am I forced to believe she will never accept me, but this causes me to believe that she will never accept my future children. She continues questioning my claim to homosexuality, wondering if I have been scorned by the opposite sex. In her eyes, a harsh break-up with a girlfriend may have caused me to turn gay. Deep down, she is retaliating and mustering up every excuse she can find to justify my sexuality. She truly believes that I can turn the switch and become the son she desperately desires in her traditional point of view. “How would you react if people said you were not allowed to love Dad, which you couldn’t be with the one person you loved?” With her disapproving eyes, she turns to my sister and says, “This is what they try to tell themselves to make them feel better.” Yes, this is what they teach us in Homosexuality School, where they brainwash us to act against our will and engage in same-sex affairs. Furthermore, my mother states that she didn’t receive a college education and is not able to understand this notion of homosexuality. I explain, “This is common sense and being gay is not something that is learned or acquired through knowledge.” Is there a physical switch lodged in our head that we can flip on/off?
She later credits the media and depictions of homosexuality to be another contributing factor. The portrayal of the LGBT community in the media sometimes attributes to a negative perception. My mother may be grasping onto the negative aspects and consequences as a form of disproval. My goal for liberation takes on a new purpose: changing the negative perception of the LGBT community in her eyes. My attempt for liberation becomes a mission to seek a clean slate. I have the obligation now to show her the different aspects of being gay and allow her to be more at ease with my identity. My mother continues to prove her ignorance, claiming that surrounding myself with gay people has turned me. “Was it because you went to San Francisco?” she ponders. For the record, being gay is NOT a disease you contract or a characteristic you pick up because it’s the IT thing to do at the moment. Two of my closest friends support me and they are the clear definition of “normal” in my mother’s eyes. The whole experience can be relative to being in a court, with the plaintiff and defendant proposing and rejecting arguments. The accusative plaintiff and the counteracting defendant go head to head in hopes to prove their case and come to a judgment in one’s favor. In the end, my mother states that she may not accept the lifestyle but she will always love me and in her words, “Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and be okay with everything.” Lady Liberty has been gifted.
What is the definition of “cloud support” you ask?
We establish a safe and open environment for conversation. It is an open forum for all those that are affected by distress, aggravation, scrutiny, or simply just want to help.
